Judge (to amateur yegg) – “So they caught you with this bundle of silverware. Whom did you plunder?”
Yegg – “Two fraternity-houses, your honour.”
Judge (to sergeant) – “Call up the downtown hotels and distribute this stuff.”

College Lad (arrested for speeding) – “But, your honour, I’am a college boy.”
Judge – “Ignorance doesn’t excuse anybody!”

The other day two friends had lunch. One has been married  less than a year, the other over twenty-five years. Said the younger, “I got home the other night, and my wife wanted to go to the movie. Well, I was tired, and I told her I didn’t want to go out again. I said, ‘I spend my day earning a living for this family. I work hard, and when I come home I expect to relax. I don’t want to go out again. I think that’s only reasonable’.”
The veteran looked at him wearily. “How was the show?” he asked.

Mistress- “I shall be very lonely, Bridget, if you leave me.
Bridget – “Don’t worry, mum. I’ll not go until ye have houseful of company.”

“Never saw such a crowd at our church before.”
“New minister?”
“No; it was burned down last night.”

“Why is Miss Jones wearing black?”
“She is in mourning for her husband,”
“Why, she never had a husband!”
“No, that is why she mourns.”

From a church bulletin: “Our mixed chorus sang last Sunday in a regional broadcast from Minneapolis. It was nice to hear them and realize they were nearly a thousand miles away.”

Persons are prohibited from gathering flowers from any but their own graves.
(Notice in a cemetery)

A teacher was making a strenuous effort to get good attendance in her room. Looking over her class one morn ing, she saw that all except one were in their places.
“This is fine,” she exclaimed, “all here except Jimmie Jones; and let us hope that it is something serious which keeps him away.”

“Darling, I have to go to New York on business,” said the young married man.

“It will only take about three or four days and I hope you won’t miss me too much while I’m gone, but I won’t,” answered his young wife, positively, “because I’m going with you.”
“I wish you could, dear, but it won’t be convenient this time. What would you want to go for, anyhow? I’m going to be too busy to be with you, and I have to go. I need clothes.”
“But, darling – you can get all the clothes you want right here on Adams Street.”
“Thank you. That’s all I wanted.”

A modest girl never pursues a man. Nor does a mousetrap pursue a mouse

Pilot (calling back to airport by radio) -”I’m lost!”
Airfield Operator – “Quick, tell me your location!”

A general who believed he was a great strategist startled his staff officers by admitting that once he had been wrong in his decision.
“You wrong, sir?” exclaimed one of his listeners.